I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
