Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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