I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
