What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
