Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
