Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
