I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
