How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
