I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I have aggressive nipples.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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