I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
