HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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