dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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