So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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