Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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