I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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