I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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