i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
