i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
