Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
