We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
