I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
