remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
