i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
