When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
