I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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