if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My balls are so social today.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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