I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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