Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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