Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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