The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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