Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
