so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
