my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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