...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
