I faked an abortion last night.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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