Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
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