When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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