Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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