I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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