Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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