I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
