Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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