im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
