I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
