if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
