hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
