in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
