I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
