OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
