I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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