I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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