You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
This gyro tastes like lonliness
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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