I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
third nipple confirmed
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
