Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
