you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
