so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
