When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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