I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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