I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
