What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
