I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
