My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
